Ouch!

I know I haven’t provided much in the last week or so that was worth reading; I am terribly sorry that I am so boring. Last night was a dozy, though so here you go!
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Yesterday Lexi and I decided we would do make-overs and to do them, we needed to go to the store and get nail polish and bobby pins and the like. I’m telling you, she is as girly as a two year old can get! While at the store, we go through the shaving and wax aisle and I see the red container that will haunt my vagina for eternity. Looking at it, I think, “I should do this! I should try it and ooh! Look! It even has shapes you can do! That would be neat!”

I have always believed that every woman should experience her own bikini waxing at least once in her life to truly know how it feels. Let me tell you in advance, if you feel the same way, I recommend going to a professional for that experience. It would have to be better than my own encounter!

So, with everything for make-overs and this red container in the cart, we bee line over to the next open cashier and pray she doesn’t judge me. She goes through each item and then stops at the wax. Looks it over and says, “I’ve always wondered about these things – let me know how it goes, k?” <-- That, right there is how you know I live in California. Only a place this liberal would have people who say things like that OUT LOUD.

Lexi and I go home and we do our hair 30 different ways and wash or faces and soak our hands and feet and paint our nails and then, when my husband gets home, I enlist his help with the little red jar. Seeing as I know me and am clear that I will not be able to do this to myself, I plan on having him slather the stuff on and rip it off. This could be just what we need to spice things up a bit. You never know. (<-- Don’t judge me! I know you all have thought of doing similar things!)

So we read the instructions, pick a shape and hit the bedroom to set this whole endeavor in motion. Somewhere in the instructions it reads that you are supposed to do small patches at a time. We both missed that one. Before I know it, my vagina, butt cheeks, even my legs are glued together with a sticky wax. We wait for it to get to be the right texture and then he pulls a tiny bit! Ouch! Ok! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! I decide this is a bad, bad idea! I hit the shower, NOT COMING OFF! I get vegetable oil from the kitchen, NOT COMING OFF! We try lotion, razors, scissors, house hold cleaning products, NOT COMING OFF!

I am so close to tears now! Each little patch hurts like no tomorrow and I have officially embarrassed myself in front of my husband like NEVER before. We go back to the bedroom and decide we need a plan of action. He thinks we should leave it on and let it fall off naturally as it will but we at least need to create holes where there should be holes. Two hours of ripping chunk after chunk of hair off and we are barely making a dent. I am pretty sure my vagina has never been so mad at me. I go back to the shower, thinking if I can get a bit off, maybe it will be a bit easier. No luck, the hot water melts the wax again and seals my EVERYTHING closed. This is going to be a LONG night. Finally, my husband suggests taking a towel and my hair dryer and putting them to action.

I grab a Dora the Explorer beach towel, apply it to my nether regions and turn the blow dryer up to full heat. I feel the wax melting onto my skin again and my blow dryer over heats. I sit there, picking all this yucky red stuff out of my nails until the wax cools and then I pull. OUCH! Ok. Maybe, I can do this. My dryer clicks back on and after a series of 8 heatings and towel pullings, I officially broke my hair dryer and still have large clumps of wax left in the most sensitive areas EVER. I am fairly cetain now that all that hair is wired into the bone down there. I spent the next hour and a half ripping little remaining chunks out and begging for mercy.

I successfully got out most of the wax, enough to go to the bathroom successfully. My entire vagina and surrounding area is more raw than the worst case of diaper rash you have ever seen.

I am quite sure that my vagina will never forgive me for this!