Ewww--That Smell

I was out camping this weekend and after the children went to sleep, we all sat around the campfire and stared off. We would chit chat about this and that and I even was able to educate my father on exactly what a glory hole is (although I would have much rather had him look it up) but the conversation seemed to die and the wind was howling so I retreated to the tent.

It was within minutes of my escape that I could hear the conversation move to passing gas and then, I heard something I would have never, in my wildest dreams, been able to make up. It went sort of like this:


Sister: sometimes my burps can compete with Denver’s farts

Dad: oh I know, your mom can be terrible

Sister: No really, like I burp and the smell in my mouth is so foul that it has to be worse than any fart I have ever done

Me from the tent: That is just wrong

Sister: there was this one time when I went to get revenge on Tyler so I walked up and burped in his face and just the smell of all those sulfides coming out of my mouth almost made ME throw up. Tyler’s eyes watered. I was almost embarrassed.


Makes me really glad she wasn’t sleeping in the same tent I was!

Bathroom Confessions

I have a confession: everyday, for a minimum of 20 minutes, I try to hide from my family in the bathroom. It is the one place that I think I can escape and should deserve full privacy so, somewhere between putting dinner together and doing the dishes, I sneak away and relax.

I’ve been doing this since I was a young kid and would have to go to the bathroom conveniently when the dishes needed done and I knew if I spent enough time in there, when I got out, they would be done. I would read ranger rick and highlights magazines and zone out for a while. In a weird way, it was my favorite part of the day…


Now that I am a grown-up, (sort of) I still seek an escape with a book or magazine into the bathroom and can just sit there for as long as the kids will let me. My husband has walked in several times and stated that with the amount of time I am in the bathroom, I must be pooping far more than is healthy. I have told him time and again that I am not actually *going* to the bathroom but he does not seem to understand. I wonder if I am at the beginning stages of this woman

I may be but if I am, at least I know I am happy there…

Suck a Doofus!

A little email correspondence that hopefully some of you will find humorous…someone? Anyone?


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 8:56 AM
To: G
Subject: Suck a doofus!

I realized right after I talked about national donut day how that sounds coming out of the office fat girl’s mouth… I swear, I’m not that huge of a heifer.


From: G
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 8:59 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

You shut your mouth!! You are NOT the office fat girl, get real!! Um hello I love food more than shopping, napping, indoor sports, pretty much everything. Food is my friend. I’m so hungover that donuts sound absolutely delicious, why the hell didn’t sandy bring in anything today LOL!!!


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 9:14 AM
To: G
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

I just noticed I wrote “suck a doofus”, not “such a doofus”. Yep, I think that confirms it!

A


From: G
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 9:15 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

i think that may be my new favorite insult….’suck a doofus!’
when is egg mcmuffin day, I’m totally down for that too!


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 10:12 AM
To: G
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

I like it!

Sadly, I don’t think there is an egg mcmuffin day, which sucks because that is the ULTIMATE hangover breakfast.

I think we should make one. And spread the word. Maybe, Mc Donald’s could pay us for the advertisement. And we could be rich and quit…
Ah, who am I kidding, We should just go stuff our pie holes with Greasy, gooey, delicious egg mcmuffins and shout “suck a doofus!” at anyone who looks at us the wrong way.

A

Kids these days...

You know, sometimes, I am fairly certain that my children are fully capable of transforming into Goblins straight out of the movie
Labyrinth…