The Heart Break Files, part 5

Day 4 - I woke at 630 to a sad little Mateo at my side. I turned on Cat in the Hat for him, got him a baggy of cereal, and made the decision to head back to bed. At around 8, I went to push play on the DVD player again and by the third time, around 930, Ruben got up and showered. He jumped on me, in an attempt to be funny but I was pissed. I had been so asleep that this was the equivalent to someone throwing a brick at your head for no reason. "Its time to wake up" he said. "I'm going to make some breakfast". I shouted some obscenities and pretended to go back to sleep. By 1015, I was up and watching cartoons with the kids. Ruben was immediately on my case about cleaning and I barked back at him that he was lucky I was awake. In truth, he was right, I needed to clean but I much rather would’ve been sleeping so I didn't feel the aching in my heart. Would Jesse be harassing me right now if I had married him instead? My memory said no but my current interpretation of him weighed in and decided that was probably a yes. In making pancakes, Ruben lit the stove on fire and, rushing over to help, I tripped on a steel toe boot and was pretty sure I broke my pinky toe. That became a big furry of throwing everyone's everything where it goes.

I spent the entire morning cleaning and then decided, like the best revenge, I should look my best. I took a long shower brushed my teeth 4 times, and got into my favorite jeans. Then I realized, there was no one to really care if I looked good or not. I flopped on my bed and wished I didn't have to be up for the rest of the day. I was not quite that lucky. Within minutes of laying down, Ruben threw a grocery list at me and ordered me out. I'm pretty sure its not a good idea to send an unhappy woman to the store. It just might be worse than shopping hungry.

There was really only one thing I was looking forward to for this weekend: I had planned a girls night out. We were going to head over to a slummy bar called outlaws, have a few margaritas, shoot some pool, and bitch about our lives until we were so drunk we were laughing. This is the way girl’s night usually works and believe me, I'm long overdue for one. Of course, one phone call changed it all, you see, the planned had been invited somewhere else, somewhere she deemed better so, she was out. Since she was out, two others thought well maybe another night would be better for them, too, and another couldn't find a sitter, which left just me. Fine! I'll stay home. I pretty much decided all my friends were assholes, right there. Did they not realize their manic besty was trying to figure out her bazaar emotional status and would need several opinions and lots of tequila to do it? Obviously not! So Ruben rented a movie, a MAN movie, and I was expected to cook dinner and take care of the kids and then watch the damn movie with him. I, of course, decided this entirely blows and I locked myself in the bathroom to recount the many man movies I have watched. There is only one that really was coming to mind. Jesse wanted me to watch braveheart with him. It was his favorite movie ever and it was completely not something I would ever want to watch but that didn't matter because I loved him and besides, within minutes we were too wrapped up in eachother to know who was killing what in that movie. I never felt like I could get close enough to him, though I tried. And I still don't know how that movie turns out.

To my own luck, the man movie wouldn't read on our DVD player and Ruben had rented another: Baby Mama. Just what I needed a little romantic comedy. Normally, I would finish watching a movie like that and have total baby fever but not this time. I don't think my head is in the right place right now to even consider having another child. Then again, my kids are the only people I am certain love me unconditionally and permanently which is more than I can say about any past or present romantic partner in my life.