The Heart Break files, part 7

Day 6 – I startled awake at 4 am, stumbled into the bathroom and strongly considered just getting up for the day. But my eyelids were almost the size of my lips, swollen with teary irritation. I needed to go back to sleep and hope they would calm down a bit. I woke again at 5 and watched the clock until 530 when I officially decided it could be Monday. Ruben had asked me to wake him when I got up but I thought I would give him another 15 minutes. I got out of the shower and got dressed. My eyelids still huge and I felt no relief from the dire position I was in the night before. I still was wondering if I should look for a place to get the kids and me away from this place. Could I trust Ruben not to lose it again? I whispered to him to rise and shine and then went to put on make up. A little cortisone cream can work wonders on eyes, by the way. He didn’t get up. I finished my hair and make-up and he still wasn’t awake. I crawled back in bed to warm up for a few minutes as he peeked over me to see the time. The clock flipped to six as he stumbled to the shower. I closed my eyes and began to relax at the idea of being alone. “The door is GONE! Can you believe it, Mommy?” Lexi plopped onto the bed and was wide-awake for this time of day. We talked a bit and I assured her that she would be safe and no, Daddy would not break down any more doors. Not hers, not Mateo’s, not any more. After some tickling and cuddling, I had both the kids dressed and out the door. I held my breath as I dropped them off at school, terrified of the response I would get from their teachers that afternoon.

Work was crazy. It was the end of the month and I had wrap up to do on all things financial. I didn’t want to be there and everything felt like it was headed down hill. The Bailout Bill failed to pass, the stock market dropped 778 points and I had a headache I thought was going to split me in half. I ate lunch, checked out the latest gossip blogs, and wished that a fairy would come by and make everything disappear. I wanted to write to Jesse, tell him of the night before. Ask him if he thought I should move out. Would that be the needed catalyst to make my life make sense again? Because I really feel that just a couple short weeks ago, before I started reconnecting and pushing buttons I shouldn’t push, my life was FINE! Now, I am not certain I have anything left. I did a little research online. I started by looking up marriage counselors. Then, I went to looking for a good punching bag, and after that, I started looking for 2 bedroom apartments near my kids’ school. Is this really the way things were going? An overwhelming gloom sat over me and the entire US. My mom sent me a message that she was opening up an SMA (Sealy Mattress Account) and that I should buy all the canned food I could today. I thought my twenties were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.

I always thought Jesse and I had some sort of psychic connection (the song radar love comes into my head every time I think about this) and I always thought when I really needed him to rescue me, he would call or email me or something. I must’ve been wrong about it though because I keep calling out in my most desperate of telepathic communications and I know he knows my email, knows my number, knows everyway to get to me and he doesn't. Therefore, either we have the connection and he chooses to ignore it or we just don't. Daily, I am breaking down all my romantic image of him and the love we used to share. Still, I find nothing is filling those holes. My life is feeling ever emptier.

I came home tonight, barely able to keep my lunch down with the nausea that comes from light and sound sensitivities associated with a migraine. At the door was just what I needed. Halloween is my favorite holiday. For one night, you give endlessly to hundreds of strangers who are dressed up in the most amazing of costumes. They are who they have always wanted to be for just that one night. The streets are safe to roam and neighbors who have never talked can be friends for the first time ever. Along with all this magic also comes a thing called a boo. Its a secret gift, given to someone by an anonymous friend and the friend then passes a boo onto another friend. My boo was just what I needed, a reminder that I have great friends and only 32 days to Halloween. I've already begun planning my boo. Its going to be great!

I filled the evening with mundane chores. Anything I could do to have Ruben see that I was not being lazy. If some dishes were divorce worthy, by golly, I would have them picked up because it wasn’t worth the risk. I made dinner, emptied the washer, set the table, fed everyone, cleared the table, did the dishes, made the kids lunches, wiped down the counters and stove, ran two loads of laundry, showered the kids, got them ready for bed, gave Mateo his medicine for the raging ear infection that he has been torturing us all with and put the kids to bed. I felt guilty about it but I landed on the bed around nine and decided there was no reason to get up. We still went to bed with the sheet crammed between us, like a barrier.