Paging God...God, please pick up line 1

There is a huge fire blazing in Santa Barbara currently and the station that I work for has been covering it as well as we can. When the receptionist temp we had up front could no longer handle a disgruntled caller, she transferred the woman to me.

Let me tell you right now, I am not a customer service kind of person so, how I kept my cool I am not sure. The woman started by demanding my name and title with the company. I gave them to her and she shouted, "Well, you're not God! I asked to talk to God!!!"

"God is a little busy right now, handling the fire in Santa Barbara, and everything else that is going wrong here on Earth. Is there something I could help you with?"

"Well, if he's not available, I want to leave him a message. Put me through to his voicemail!"

"Ma'am, God doesn't have voicemail here at the station, is there something I can help you with?"

She proceeded to complain about a promotion that had aired the night before when all she wanted to watch was the fire coverage. I offered over and over for her to turn on her tv and watch the current coverage, as we were doing a 4 hour segment of solid coverage, free of commercial breaks. She was adamant that she would never turn "that blasted tv" on again.

And some ten minutes into her complaining, she stopped. Stumbled over her current thought, and asked if I had said we were currently airing fire coverage. I confirmed that we were, for the 10th time, and she joyously said thank you, complimented my patience, turned her tv back on and hung up the phone.

Now, I am curious, why would anyone assume I could get God on the line for them? At the local tv station?!? Isn't it common knowledge that media is the furthest thing from God, next to hell?

And, really, if we had God at the station, I wonder what his voice mail recording would say,
"Hi, you've reached God, I'm unavailable right now. Please leave a prayer at the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I can" ? Is that about how it would go?

And then there is the whole idea that, um, yea...if God were at the station, don't you think he would be tied up in an exclusive interview regarding the fire? Couldn't you just imagine the questions?

God, how many homes do you plan on destroying in this fire?
How long will it last?
How many people will die from this fire?
How do you feel about the name of the fire being Jesusita?
Now, God, I thought your son said the next time you came down here, it'd be hell. Oh, wait. Is that what this is?
Why is this fire blazing? Are You SMITING Santa Barbara?


I think I am going to put in a requisition for that voicemail box tomorrow.

Agenda:Fitness

Hey guys, in case you didn't notice from the sidebar, I started a new blog, Agenda:Fitness, which is entirely about getting my behind in shape. Because, well...I've gained weight. Enough to now be bigger than I have ever been in MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

So, yea, check it out. Suggest tips? Send support? Join the cause?

My new Agenda? Fitness!

How Not to Avoid Swine Flu

20 Things You Didn't Know About Death

One of my very best friends forwarded me a link to 20 facts about death you didn’t know that I had happened to read that morning.


These were the emails following:

_______________________________

From: Alli
To: Elena
Subject: RE: Found this interesting
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:01:47 -0700

I read that this morning! I love those kind of things. The eye bugging enzymes were kind of gross but I think the winner for me was the burial shroud for the childless married couple. Ewww!


-A.
_______________________________

From: Elena
Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 1:37 PM
To: Alli
Subject: RE: Found this interesting

omg how about the people that were burried alive! Ahhhh what a nightmare

_______________________________

From: Alli
To: Elena
Subject: RE: Found this interesting
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:53:43 -0700

Yes, buried alive would be one of my biggest fears but could you imagine doing the deed on a shroud covered in dead person bacteria and flesh eating enzymes?


-A.
_______________________________


From: Elena
Sent: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 2:01 PM
To: Alli
Subject: RE: Found this interesting

depends on the guy. is he hot?




jk hell no not even if I was drunk and high!

_________________________________

And that…THAT is why I love this girl!

The Newest Addition

The kids have been begging for a new dog or a kitty since Toby was stolen six months or so ago. I have strongly considered a cat but Ruben was extremely fearful for our very expensive furniture. I was more fearful for the little furball. I mean, my kids don’t exactly get that you should hold a kitten nicely. They would much prefer to hold it by its neck as it screams for mercy.
Easter came and went with no new pets in our house and I found myself more than a little bummed by that. I had been hoping to get the kids something to love on beyond the usual plush toys but Ruben stood adamant that it was a bad idea. I begrudgingly opted for gifts that were less of a commitment, like jump ropes and squirt guns.
This morning, the kids and I were watching Saturday morning cartoons and I realized that I was really bugged by having a petless household. I got the kids dressed and out of the house before Ruben was even considering waking up. We drove to the nearest pet store and started shopping.
First there were the dog adoptions. Each of those little mangy mutts was adorable and the kids seemed to adore each of them but a dog is a responsibility I would definitely be fully in charge of and if that dog got stolen, too, I would be so heart broken all over again. Next, there were snakes and lizards, those were a no right off the bat. I will not own a snake. Period. End of sentence. No way. No how. Next there were the gerbils and I just think they are weird so: no. Then were the birds and the idea of squawking all day and night and being bitten while attempting to clean a cage and I was not going for that. We ended up at the back of the store where the fish are and a light bulb went off in my head. A goldfish would be perfect! There’s no walking a goldfish, no squawking, no weirdness, no creepy vibe.
We are now the proud owners of a pet goldfish named Fishy. The kids love it, Ruben is ok with it, and I feel like we have successfully built the perfect little family: a husband, wife, daughter, son, and goldfish. We are complete!

Too good to not!

I just discovered these two little gems on the internet yesterday and I feel the desperate need to share them with you:

The Customer is Not Always Right

Sorry Mom!

Enjoy these nuggets of gold!

Never Bring Plants into the House

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants.. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.She let out a very loud scream.The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked into the living room to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man..He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, she dangled her hand in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp so badly that he needed stitches.The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived.They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all when the women explained that it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of thepolicemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through thewindow into the yard on top of the startled family dog who, jumped out and raced into the street where an oncoming car swerved to avoid the dog and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. But they did get the house fire out.Time passed and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police were issued a new car, and all was right with their world. Several days later the wife and husband were watching television and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her!

I figured we were do for a picture here somewhere. This is a picture of the kids the other night sitting in the yard. Its finally warm enough that we can be outside past 5 pm so, we've been taking full advantage.

I am pretty sure, if I were solar powered, I would have been fully charged at the end of last weekend.

Mateo must be imitating the flash that goes off when a picture is taken.

My One Year Anniversary with the Feral Plant

I have a black thumb, those of you that know me, know that this is no exaggeration. I could kill your plant simply by looking at it. Its something I am not proud of by any means but I am aware of and work with it.
A year ago, my boss gave me a plant, a live one. I accepted it with a cringe, worrying of the offense that might be taken if it died within a week.

I started out by giving the plant the last of the water that was in my cup every week or so. Then, it became the last of whatever might have been in my cup. You wouldn’t imagine how perked up that plant would get after a dose of crystal light. I left it on my desk, under the fluorescent lights day in and day out with no chance of ever having it see actual light. It continued to not only grow but bloom.

This plant will be the ONLY plant EVER that has survived more than a week in my presence and I have deemed it the “feral plant” because it does not live in a manner similar to its own kind with naturally derived chlorophyll or fresh water. It actually does best with lemon water, tea, sugar free juice drinks and the occasional soda. And the deep green leaves are the direct response of office ambiance also known as fluorescent tubes.

I put it out in the sun for thirty minutes the other day, thinking of giving it a treat, and it whithered quite quickly. I promptly returned it, gave it a splash of sparkling lemonade, and waited with baited breath. I had grown fond of this strange plant. It needed to live! Within an hour it was showing visible signs of improvement.

I love that feral plant and don’t know what I would I do without it, anymore!

Please don’t call the Plant Protection Services on me!!!

That Crazy Man I Live With

One of my favorite bloggers, Heather Armstrong of dooce.com, brought this meme over from facebook and it was hilarious! I felt inclined to share some background by doing the same…Most of you probably don’t know a lot about Ruben. That might be a good thing!


What are your middle names?
My middle name is Breanne. Ruben's middle name is Dagoberto. In fact, he’s a Jr. I saved our son…He owes me BIG time for not becoming Ruben Dagoberto Ruiz III.

How long have you been together?
We’ve been married for 7 ½ years, together 8 ½ years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We met a month or two before we started dating. I thought he was creepy and thoroughly annoying. Two very attractive qualities, apparently.

Who asked whom out?
He asked me. In fact, he would not take no for an answer. I must’ve given 5 excuses that he knocked down right away…he was determined!

How old are each of you?
I'm 26, he's OLD 31. The 5 ½-year age difference, always gets played up on birthdays. God, I will never get tired of offering an arm of assistance for his tired bones as we walk out of a steakhouse on his latest milestone.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
We see both sets fairly evenly which sucks because my two sisters are local and his siblings are 3 hours away but we try to keep it fair and all…

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Um, our house is the bane of our existence. I cried the day we closed escrow and after fixing it all up to sell, we had a flood and got to start all over. We’ve now missed the possibility of having any equity in our house, thankyouverymuch recession and will be stuck in this evil little house until things change…

Did you go to the same school?
We both went to the same high school but he graduated in 1995 and I graduated in 2001. He went to Cal Poly for college and I went to Long Beach State

Are you from the same home town?
Yes, we are both from the pumpkin capital of the world, the lovely, the tiny, stop sign on a black top of a city, Half Moon Bay.

Who is smarter?
We could debate this for hours but this man refused to recognize “dollop” as a word. He also needs me to fix the computers, cook, make all decisions regarding our children…. On the other hand, he is smart enough to convince me to do all these things so…

Who is the most sensitive?
Me. I am the one who is a step away from being locked up in a padded room so, its safe to say ME ME ME!!!!

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Hmmm…is this a trick question? Wouldn’t that require us to eat out?

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles – part of a cruise last year, thanks mom and dad!

Who has the craziest exes?
I do. Hands down. Mine are the ones who keep reappearing in our lives, either hopelessly begging for me to consider their jobless ass for a second chance, or to hear that they are homeless and have put more white powder up their nose than Whitney Houston. They are some real gems, let me tell you!

Who has the worst temper?
Depends. I have the screaming and swearing kind of temper and he has the screaming and punch stuff kind. Only kidding. Have you met us? We are two of the quietest people EVER…

Who does the cooking?
Me. I taught Ruben how to make Campbell’s soup when we first got together and thought we were progressing as I tried to teach him to make maccaroni and cheese from the box. Do you know how HORRIBLY wrong Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese can go? Because I do!

Who is the neat-freak?
I used to be. When I lived on my own, my place was spotless. Now, there is crap EVERYWHERE! And I have given up hope!

Who is more stubborn?
I am of Irish/German decent. He is Mexican… you be the judge. But I will tell you this: Our kids are EVIL stubborn!

Who hogs the bed?
Ruben. At least every other night, I get pushed right off. Our bed is so miserably uncomfortable that the only place Ruben is willing to lay is right in the middle and he tosses, snores, kicks, shouts, and does this weird ballerina, twinkle toes thing.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. Ruben would not be up until noon if he had the choice. But he lives with two children under 5 and me…he has no choice!

Where was your first date?
San Benito House Deli for lunch. I had the cheese and avocado sandwich on wheat, no avocado…back in the vegetarian days.

Who is more jealous?
Totally me. He gets calls from his octogenarian boss and I go ape shit: “Who was that? Why was she calling? Doesn’t she know its family time?” I might need to work on it.

How long did it take to get serious?
Well, we started dating in September and were married by July so…not long?

Who eats more?
He does. I would try to keep up but I would be the size of a bus! Damn his great genetics!

Who does the laundry?
He does his. I do everything else. And that includes folding the piles of clean clothes he just did but wants to leave sitting on top of the dryer FOREVER or until he chooses to wear it. Whichever comes first.

Who's better with the computer?
Me. Ruben has asked me how to access the internet with the bright blue e (of internet explorer) staring right at him. Yea….

Who drives when you are together?
Usually Ruben. We are both back seat drivers, though. I drive too fast, he drives way too slow and forgets the off ramp he needs on a regular basis.



Feel free to answer some or all of the same questions about your significant other in the comments, or leave a link to your website if you prefer answering there.

Proud Parenting

Taught my daughter to tell her father to pucker up and kiss this (index finger to right butt cheek) – probably one of my very best parenting moments as of yet.

The things they say

Went to Avila Valley barn with the family today. We were going along on a hay ride when Lexi started tossing the straw everywhere. She was throwing it in people’s hair and off the side of the wagon and annoying the shit out of just about everyone. When she threw some down Mateo’s shirt, that’s where I drew the line. I told her to knock it off and make it better. When I turned a couple minutes later to check her progress she was shaking the crap out of her brother. So I asked her what the heck she was doing. “I’m getting the gay out of Mteo” she said. Somewhere in the mix of the day she had thought hay was pronounced gay but I had to just let it ride because this was, of course, my feather boa loving, high heel wearing, make-up obsessed son that had been hiding in my closet earlier in the morning that she was referring to. Oh the things they say!

I am beginning to realize that my son was born with a built in alarm clock. Every morning he wakes up before six thirty, rain or shine, six o’ clock bed time or 10. What I want to know is where the damn snooze button is.

Say Cheese

Ok, we needed some pictures on here, far too texty for my tastes...



This is as close to Ruben smiling as we are going to get....



Mateo might be a bit excited in this one!



Lexi - Hammin' it up as usual




Mateo with the pose that keeps him from being murdered sometimes...



Lexi - goofy as usual...







I'm trying to teach Mateo to cheese it up...

So, I’m sitting here, eating a cookie, wondering why the hell I am so fat. This is the part where I throw in a nasally, “its not faaaiiiirrrr!!!!”

Silly Mom - pockets are for Crazies!

In the car this morning, Lexi leans forward from her car seat, shouting, “Here Mommy! Heeerrreee!!”
I look back to see her arm outstretched with her forefinger and thumb pinched together.
“Here Mommy, I have a coin for you!”
I looked at her, so excited about her imaginary coin but was too tired too care much so I replied, “Oh, Thank you, Honey. Can you put it in your pocket for me?”
She reaches down to see her dress and says back, “I don’t have a pocket, Mom!”
“Can you pretend you have one?”
“No! I can’t because that would be crazy – really crazy, Mom!”
So the imaginary coin is completely acceptable but an imaginary pocket to put it in is crazy?
Now you understand why I was too tired to care! This kind of logic exhausts the crap out of me!

Today was a completely wasted effort – no comedic relief, no dramatic climax, no fulfilling ending – if I truly am the director of the movie that is my life – can I just delete this scene to not waste any valuable screen time?

Mike, Mike, and Mike

So, Ruben and I went to the STP concert the other night – yea, I know, you know that already but there is more to tell.
That night we were sitting in our seats, waiting for the music to start and in walk six of the craziest guys I’ve seen since my sorority days. There was Matt, John, PJ (or DJ or SOMETHING J) and three other guys that seemed to be straight out of American Pie. DJ (I’m just going to pick this and run with it) had to be the person Adam Herz modeled Stifler after – I mean he looked, sounded, and personified that character.

These six guys were clearly thrilled to be at the concert and when the seats filled in front of them, they started to introduce themselves. Well, Michelle and Mike were first to break the ice. They were from Fresno or something and were quite the chatter boxes. After that came Alicia and another Mike.

These grown men acted like they had never met two people with the same name. They were SO EXCITED that they had two Mikes in front of them.

So, Ruben gives me a glance and a “I’m about to cause some trouble” smile and I nod, knowingly.

DJ turns around and asks our names and I introduce myself as Alli and Ruben, puts out his hand and says, “I’m Mike”

I swear, I would’ve been shocked if there was a pair of dry pants in that row of boys. Three Mikes in one tiny space was more than they could handle. For the rest of the night, these guys could not get over the three Mikes and we could not get over their excitement.

I wonder what they would think if they only knew…

Scott Weiland's Big Mouth

So, the fair is here. And, unlike last year where I was drooling over every entertainer that had signed on, there were very few that I wanted to see. Ruben got tickets to STP which of course rocked my world because, you never know how long Scott Weiland is going to last – I mean, tomorrow he could be in jail, or in rehab, or in another band. We held our breath for 6 weeks as we waited to see if Scott would still be around for the show and then, Saturday rolled around and with babysitter all set, we got to the show.

There is something so phenomenal about these rocker/drug addicts! I mean, I am in love! They get on stage and sing and have those outfits (costumes) and I sit there and wonder why I didn’t keep on drumming until I met one of my own and married him.

So, there they are – on stage – rockin my world and Scott Weiland opens his mouth to speak. “It smells like cow shit here.”
Ok, Jackass, thanks, we can all smell it.

“I happen to like the smell of cow shit because it reminds me of growing up in Ohio, where I used to ride horses and party in the barn and that’s where I had my first orgy”
Ok, seriously? Either my crotch is full of spider-webs or that was inappropriate. Just shut up, queue the next song and let’s get back to rocking.

So, a few more songs play, he makes a comment about how Paso would be kind of cool if it didn’t smell like cow shit, goes back to playing and then…
“I want to apologize for being late, this evening. I am sorry. I was buying furniture at a liquidation sale and I got delayed. Truly. So, I am sorry”
What the hell, dude? We were all just rocking out to Plush, we don’t need your reasoning. We don’t even need an apology because none of us realized you were late to the stage – but now? Now you seem like a pretentious asshole which is just not as sexy as you were 30 minutes ago when you hit the stage.

Photo by Ms. Jesseca Meyer - when she has a site, I'll tell you all about it because she rocks everything from family portraits to weddings to concerts and I adore her!

I’m boredom emailing people – it’s the office equivalent of drunk dialing… Some one save me!