Paging God...God, please pick up line 1

There is a huge fire blazing in Santa Barbara currently and the station that I work for has been covering it as well as we can. When the receptionist temp we had up front could no longer handle a disgruntled caller, she transferred the woman to me.

Let me tell you right now, I am not a customer service kind of person so, how I kept my cool I am not sure. The woman started by demanding my name and title with the company. I gave them to her and she shouted, "Well, you're not God! I asked to talk to God!!!"

"God is a little busy right now, handling the fire in Santa Barbara, and everything else that is going wrong here on Earth. Is there something I could help you with?"

"Well, if he's not available, I want to leave him a message. Put me through to his voicemail!"

"Ma'am, God doesn't have voicemail here at the station, is there something I can help you with?"

She proceeded to complain about a promotion that had aired the night before when all she wanted to watch was the fire coverage. I offered over and over for her to turn on her tv and watch the current coverage, as we were doing a 4 hour segment of solid coverage, free of commercial breaks. She was adamant that she would never turn "that blasted tv" on again.

And some ten minutes into her complaining, she stopped. Stumbled over her current thought, and asked if I had said we were currently airing fire coverage. I confirmed that we were, for the 10th time, and she joyously said thank you, complimented my patience, turned her tv back on and hung up the phone.

Now, I am curious, why would anyone assume I could get God on the line for them? At the local tv station?!? Isn't it common knowledge that media is the furthest thing from God, next to hell?

And, really, if we had God at the station, I wonder what his voice mail recording would say,
"Hi, you've reached God, I'm unavailable right now. Please leave a prayer at the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I can" ? Is that about how it would go?

And then there is the whole idea that, um, yea...if God were at the station, don't you think he would be tied up in an exclusive interview regarding the fire? Couldn't you just imagine the questions?

God, how many homes do you plan on destroying in this fire?
How long will it last?
How many people will die from this fire?
How do you feel about the name of the fire being Jesusita?
Now, God, I thought your son said the next time you came down here, it'd be hell. Oh, wait. Is that what this is?
Why is this fire blazing? Are You SMITING Santa Barbara?


I think I am going to put in a requisition for that voicemail box tomorrow.

Wednesday - Hump Day

Lately, work has been a bit stressful for my husband (his firm is finally joining the rest of us, clinging for their jobs with absolute desperation) and so, I have been a bit more nurturing than I might normally be. I have cut out eating out at lunch (the horror!), I have cancelled cable (did I mention I work in TV?!?), and I have been making more macaroni and cheese than I care to admit (can I get a salad up in here?). I even decided to postpone any vacation plans we might have wanted to day dream about for the next year or so (sucking the LIFE out of me, here!!!)

Yesterday morning, the alarm went off and I attempted to shake Ruben out of bed. “I don’t want to get up!” he grunted.
“But its Wednesday,” I coaxed.
“Oh greeaaatttt…”
“Come on, you know: Wednesday – Hump day”

That’s when I realized that even before the sun comes up at least *those* synapses are firing for men.
“Oh really?” He asked as he scooted closer…

I wacked a pillow in his face, called him a perve and hopped in the shower.

The line must be drawn somewhere…

Suck a Doofus!

A little email correspondence that hopefully some of you will find humorous…someone? Anyone?


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 8:56 AM
To: G
Subject: Suck a doofus!

I realized right after I talked about national donut day how that sounds coming out of the office fat girl’s mouth… I swear, I’m not that huge of a heifer.


From: G
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 8:59 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

You shut your mouth!! You are NOT the office fat girl, get real!! Um hello I love food more than shopping, napping, indoor sports, pretty much everything. Food is my friend. I’m so hungover that donuts sound absolutely delicious, why the hell didn’t sandy bring in anything today LOL!!!


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 9:14 AM
To: G
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

I just noticed I wrote “suck a doofus”, not “such a doofus”. Yep, I think that confirms it!

A


From: G
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 9:15 AM
To: A
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

i think that may be my new favorite insult….’suck a doofus!’
when is egg mcmuffin day, I’m totally down for that too!


From: A
Sent: Friday, June 06, 2008 10:12 AM
To: G
Subject: RE: Suck a doofus!

I like it!

Sadly, I don’t think there is an egg mcmuffin day, which sucks because that is the ULTIMATE hangover breakfast.

I think we should make one. And spread the word. Maybe, Mc Donald’s could pay us for the advertisement. And we could be rich and quit…
Ah, who am I kidding, We should just go stuff our pie holes with Greasy, gooey, delicious egg mcmuffins and shout “suck a doofus!” at anyone who looks at us the wrong way.

A

My fingers are about to FALL OFF!

It is freezing in my office today. I do not know if the chief engineer believes that because it is sunny and warm outside it must be insanely cold inside or what. The only thing I can tell you is that my entire body is covered in goose bumps and it sucks! The only thing more miserable than being this cold is being this cold and going into the restroom where I expose my naked rear end to the frigid air and then to the toilet seat that is colder than the inside of my freezer! It is COLD!

I think I may have to flick snow flakes off of my eyelashes and it is the middle of JULY!

Sniffle, sniffle

I’ve got this minor little cold. Its sucking the life out of me but I’m going to call it minor anyway.

Its one of those where you feel like all the junk inside your face is trying to push one of your eyeballs out.

You know, that kind.

So, I’m sitting at my desk sniffling and trying to pay attention to work but, let’s face it. I DO NOT WANT TO! I want to curl up in my bed and sip tea, eat spicy food and watch smut. Or better yet, sleep! But no, I am at work for at least the next three hours so, I get to actually DO stuff, all the while sniffling and sneezing and trying to hold my left eyeball in place.

Grrr…when I get home, there better be a cozy spot on the couch with my name on it.

This is Old but, I brought it over anyway...

Its sunny, Friday, and I've finished doing everything I needed to do for the day…I want to go home! Waahhaa!!! Ok, now that I'm done bitching about that…Here's whats going on with me lately, in case you all cared...
I am getting ready to celebrate Mateo's first birthday, it feels like he was just born but, the kid is HUGE so I know that can't be true. Bummer. Someone should tell him he's not allowed to grow up because he doesn't listen to me, I'm just his mom.

All my friends seem to be moving away. It took a lot of time to let new ones in and now that I did, they are moving on to bigger and better things. Joey and Kate moved to the Bay – I'm happy that they get to be somewhere better and can move up in their lives but it sucks because they were supposed to stay until we moved back up there…whenever that happens. See how self centered I am!?! And pretty shortly, Kendra and Cole will be moving to North Carolina for Cole to get his Masters at Duke which rocks because its an amazing opportunity but I'm already trying to figure out the easiest way to get there (hwy 46 to 99 to 58 to 15 to 40 and its an even 2447 miles on the 40)

And then there is the house… Forgive me but I wish that house would have burned down instead of flooded. At least then they couldn't look at our damaged stuff and say it should be dusted off and reused. Now, we get to look over the torn apart place over and over again and look at it piece by piece as they tell us they will give us a fraction of what each thing is worth. I hate them. I hate that this happened and I'm having a hard time over looking it all to see the bright side! Grrr… that's it for now.