Ouch!

I know I haven’t provided much in the last week or so that was worth reading; I am terribly sorry that I am so boring. Last night was a dozy, though so here you go!
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Yesterday Lexi and I decided we would do make-overs and to do them, we needed to go to the store and get nail polish and bobby pins and the like. I’m telling you, she is as girly as a two year old can get! While at the store, we go through the shaving and wax aisle and I see the red container that will haunt my vagina for eternity. Looking at it, I think, “I should do this! I should try it and ooh! Look! It even has shapes you can do! That would be neat!”

I have always believed that every woman should experience her own bikini waxing at least once in her life to truly know how it feels. Let me tell you in advance, if you feel the same way, I recommend going to a professional for that experience. It would have to be better than my own encounter!

So, with everything for make-overs and this red container in the cart, we bee line over to the next open cashier and pray she doesn’t judge me. She goes through each item and then stops at the wax. Looks it over and says, “I’ve always wondered about these things – let me know how it goes, k?” <-- That, right there is how you know I live in California. Only a place this liberal would have people who say things like that OUT LOUD.

Lexi and I go home and we do our hair 30 different ways and wash or faces and soak our hands and feet and paint our nails and then, when my husband gets home, I enlist his help with the little red jar. Seeing as I know me and am clear that I will not be able to do this to myself, I plan on having him slather the stuff on and rip it off. This could be just what we need to spice things up a bit. You never know. (<-- Don’t judge me! I know you all have thought of doing similar things!)

So we read the instructions, pick a shape and hit the bedroom to set this whole endeavor in motion. Somewhere in the instructions it reads that you are supposed to do small patches at a time. We both missed that one. Before I know it, my vagina, butt cheeks, even my legs are glued together with a sticky wax. We wait for it to get to be the right texture and then he pulls a tiny bit! Ouch! Ok! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! I decide this is a bad, bad idea! I hit the shower, NOT COMING OFF! I get vegetable oil from the kitchen, NOT COMING OFF! We try lotion, razors, scissors, house hold cleaning products, NOT COMING OFF!

I am so close to tears now! Each little patch hurts like no tomorrow and I have officially embarrassed myself in front of my husband like NEVER before. We go back to the bedroom and decide we need a plan of action. He thinks we should leave it on and let it fall off naturally as it will but we at least need to create holes where there should be holes. Two hours of ripping chunk after chunk of hair off and we are barely making a dent. I am pretty sure my vagina has never been so mad at me. I go back to the shower, thinking if I can get a bit off, maybe it will be a bit easier. No luck, the hot water melts the wax again and seals my EVERYTHING closed. This is going to be a LONG night. Finally, my husband suggests taking a towel and my hair dryer and putting them to action.

I grab a Dora the Explorer beach towel, apply it to my nether regions and turn the blow dryer up to full heat. I feel the wax melting onto my skin again and my blow dryer over heats. I sit there, picking all this yucky red stuff out of my nails until the wax cools and then I pull. OUCH! Ok. Maybe, I can do this. My dryer clicks back on and after a series of 8 heatings and towel pullings, I officially broke my hair dryer and still have large clumps of wax left in the most sensitive areas EVER. I am fairly cetain now that all that hair is wired into the bone down there. I spent the next hour and a half ripping little remaining chunks out and begging for mercy.

I successfully got out most of the wax, enough to go to the bathroom successfully. My entire vagina and surrounding area is more raw than the worst case of diaper rash you have ever seen.

I am quite sure that my vagina will never forgive me for this!

A new one to remember

“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” - Helen Rowland

My fingers are about to FALL OFF!

It is freezing in my office today. I do not know if the chief engineer believes that because it is sunny and warm outside it must be insanely cold inside or what. The only thing I can tell you is that my entire body is covered in goose bumps and it sucks! The only thing more miserable than being this cold is being this cold and going into the restroom where I expose my naked rear end to the frigid air and then to the toilet seat that is colder than the inside of my freezer! It is COLD!

I think I may have to flick snow flakes off of my eyelashes and it is the middle of JULY!

My Heart Hurts

My children are away. They are staying with Grandparents until the Aerosmith concert has passed and all is safe and right with this world again. But, in the mean time, I am missing them like a bag lady misses her cart! The world is not right and I should shout it from the roof tops until SOMEONE RETURNS MY CART, I mean children!

It is absolutely amazing how the two creatures on this earth who could make me writhe in misery the most are the two that I find heaven in watching sleep. How can they huddle with their butts up in the air and their arms and legs tucked underneath? How is it that they manage to tweak their necks that far over and still sleep like all is perfect and peaceful? I pull their covers over their goose-bumped bodies and watch them with their simple dreamy smiles and I KNOW this heaven.

Of course, its then that they wake up and start screaming. Lexi does more of whiney nasally thing and Mateo screams like someone just chopped off a very useful body part, but its screaming all the same. That is when I hug them both close, as though they need soothing and silly me! Who was I kidding? These children want nothing of the sort! All they want is to kick and arch their backs and SCREAM as though I am some sort of criminal coming to get them. If you ever want to know what this really feels like, go to the nearest sorority house wearing a black mask and threaten to steal underwear from the drawers. Its kind of like that! A lot of screaming and squirming and kicking!

Still, these two that have me apologizing for every meal I make that is not EXACTLY cheddar cheese or cookies, are the people in life I love the very most and when they return, while “Walk This Way” is still ringing in my ears, I will give them each a gigantic sniff, a quick kiss and release them before all hell breaks loose!

July 20th, 2007

So, today is my 6th wedding anniversary.

For six years now my husband has put up with the good, the bad, the pretty, the pretty ugly, the crazy and the even crazier!

He has dealt with the melt downs and the excitements, the weight loss, weight gain, diets and gorging.

We have butted heads over having children and then how to raise them, what house to buy, what remodeling to do, where to work, and everything else.

He has suffered through all this and still wants to share a bed with me and for that, I say THANKS HONEY!


Now on to the seven year itch…wish us luck!

The Best Invention Ever!

I have got to get me one of these!!!!

Click on the Image for better view

My Best Friend's Wedding

Since the sixth grade, I have called one girl my best friend. She has stuck by me through the good, the bad, and the annoying. Even when we both moved far, far away, she was still just a call away and we always pick up like no time is lost. We have been through it all!

She is finally getting married. We have dreamed of her wedding for a long, long time. The grooms may trade out but the rest pretty much stays the same. I have been looking forward to the day when she gets married since I got married and now that she is, it just so happens that she picked the same day as my brother in law to get married. Could I be any more annoyed?

I don’t even LIKE my brother in law! We get along about 5 days of the year and the rest is just a nuisance. Like the scratching feeling of getting tattooed across your forehead.

He has been engaged for what feels like forever and he is a total Groomzilla.

I didn’t even know they existed but they must because he is one!

I am not even part of the freaking wedding party and I have to wear a certain dress to attend the gosh darn event! I threatened to not wear the dress and he threatened for me not to go to the wedding and my darling husband could take a different date. One that would wear the dress. And my husband stood by that decision. Trying to be the bigger person, I bought the dress. PS, its hideous on real people! Everyone who has to wear it hates it! I say we stage a revolt.

Anyway, so, I get the invitation to my best friend’s wedding and its on the same day! At the same time! And that means I get to be completely miserable in a dress that I hate while I miss a moment that I have been looking forward to for almost FOREVER because if I even sneak out for a minute to say hi, my in laws will never forgive me. Never!

He did this on purpose, I know he did. Just to make my life more miserable.

Link to the dress: http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=2813&prodgroup=110

Sniffle, sniffle

I’ve got this minor little cold. Its sucking the life out of me but I’m going to call it minor anyway.

Its one of those where you feel like all the junk inside your face is trying to push one of your eyeballs out.

You know, that kind.

So, I’m sitting at my desk sniffling and trying to pay attention to work but, let’s face it. I DO NOT WANT TO! I want to curl up in my bed and sip tea, eat spicy food and watch smut. Or better yet, sleep! But no, I am at work for at least the next three hours so, I get to actually DO stuff, all the while sniffling and sneezing and trying to hold my left eyeball in place.

Grrr…when I get home, there better be a cozy spot on the couch with my name on it.