The Heart Break Files, part 8

Day 7 – The morning was a fun one! Lexi was yelling at me for opening her bedroom door before she was ready to wake up and Mateo fought with me over everything. I didn’t know wrestling with a two year old was something that could be such a work out until I actually had a two year old that wanted to wrestle. Ruben was ironing in Mateo’s room as I fought with him to take off the pajamas he was wearing and put on day clothes. I thought to myself that if Ruben wanted to know how I could possibly be so exhausted on the weekends, perhaps he should look at my day-to-day activities during the week. I am one of those people. I am sure there are many more out there. I am the person who wake up an hour before anyone else so she can get ready and then, as her husband does nothing but get himself ready and occasionally “gets the car ready” I am in the house getting two night owl children up and ready, dressed, fed, hair combed, teeth brushed, lunches and homework in hand and out to the car. I drive frantically to the preschool where I drop the kids off, give at least 5 goodbye kisses and hugs, and rush to make it to work on time. I work a solid 8-9 hour day, depending on whether I have carpooled with Ruben or not because if he has the car, well, then, I’m working through lunch. At 5:00pm, on the nose, I hightail it out the door and am in the car to make the mad dash 22 miles away to pick up the kids before school closes at 5:30. Then the fun begins, getting snacks in hand for the car ride home, mediating fights, disciplining kicking and screaming at the dinner table because tonight someone didn’t want chicken on their plate, carrying the patience of a saint as Lexi procrastinates bed time with 130 things she wants to get done at 8:30, and then getting the evening all cleaned up. Yep. That’s what my day looks like. But heaven forbid, after 5 in a row, I might want to rest up a bit. Avoiding the kitchen on a Sunday afternoon is worthy of leaving my life empty of the romantic love that I so desperately need. I am so bitter. Is it obvious?

Ruben fought with me the whole way to work over the placement of the sun visor on my side of the car. He wanted it to block the sunlight from his face while I was driving. I honestly think that if we need to talk to one another right now, it is going to become an argument because that’s all he wants to do. I eventually sat silently, knowing there was no reason to continue this stupidity.

I got to work and felt like I barely stumbled in the door and this is not the right time to be without your composure. Its budget time. On top of it being go time for accounting as it always is for the last couple days of the month and the first couple days of the month, we are also determining our 2009 budget while trying to cut as many costs as we can during this poor economic time. I immediately got to work and tried to force both the men trying to ruin my life out of my head. Right there, in that last sentence, I totally sound like a victim and I do not even care!

I started reconciling September’s Accounts Receivable ledger to the General ledger and was completely disappointed in myself. The 24th was a disaster. I did everything wrong and each item was a rookie mistake. It was clear that I let too much of my personal life bleed into work. I did my adjustments and moved on to reconcile Accounts Payable. Phew! It was clean! An email came from my boss. The powers that be had approved my Human Resources ideas for team building around the station. Now I just needed to pull together a mock up for review and we just might have some resume building criteria. I feel like work is the one place that I can work hard and it shows. If only my home life were the same way. I didn’t really look forward to the ride home. I almost dread what the next fight will be about or how many times I will screw up tonight. I probably shouldn’t think like that. I probably shouldn’t think at all right now but that’s the thing about being a woman. My mind does not shut down. It just rolls through every random bit of information it can, faster than I could even say them aloud which is very cruel.

The car ride home was very quiet until we picked up the children. Mateo had bitten another child in class again. He had never done this until recently. Two weeks ago, his best friend bit him and now he has bitten his friend 3 times! I don’t know how to handle this but I am worried. So, I brought it up in the car. He thought it was funny that we were so worried about him biting kids. Lexi decided to chime in with lots of bossing and controlling. She is a little mother. The only issues come when she decides to boss Ruben and me. That’s where I draw the line on appropriateness. The kids both picked on one another until both were crying or whining alternately and I was thoroughly grateful to hit solid ground when we finally got home.

I did all the normal things, cooked, cleaned up, and then started the bedtime processes. I wanted to grab the camera to take some recent pictures since I haven’t in about a month when I realized it wasn’t where I left it. Ruben said he was worried about it in the car so, he took it into work and must’ve left it there. He decided to go get it from work and bring it back. I was confident that it could wait until the next day but he was sure it couldn’t. It took him almost 2 hours to go 30 miles, grab the camera, and come back. I was sure he wasn’t just going to pick it up. But could I prove anything? No. So, I just had to let it go, its not like he wanted to be my husband anymore anyway.

All night he tried to cuddle me. I completely ignored it as he rubbed my back or put his face against mine and wrapped his arms around me. I figured he was just sleeping and didn’t realize what he was doing and if I did it back, it would be unwarranted affection and he would be pissed. I feel like I am getting very cold hearted these days but I think it’s the only way to protect myself from a complete breakdown.